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observation de vous;

observation de moi
on isolé tiennent le premier rôle
vous ne savez pas qui vous êtes
j'ai vous ai toujours aimé
mais vous avez pris mon amour pour accordé
parole au revoir

the 4 hearts

an almost perfect lady.

August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
September 2008

29th febuary 2008. i agreed on to having a change in my life. this change either affects me 1 day in every 4 years. or leaves me be in a sort of 'contract' of which i have to sustain for 4 years. but why am i haunted by it? i am amazed at what happened just now. a small conflict that led me to be on the verge of tears over dinner. i am suddenly swerved back to the past. it's like a shelter to run to when you really are lost and you don't know your directions and it gets cold around you. i don't understand what's going on between me and my feelings. yes.

stop and stare. i think i'm moving, but i go no where.

i'm stuck; so stuck and feeling trapped. i feel like i have so much inside of me i have to let out. i need a space to let out my feelings. and now i feel like i can't even blog it out. because my feelings i feel are so close to my heart. i'm so afraid of how i'd feel once i let everything all out. and probably after reading this, everyone's going to be telling me talk to them, and questioning me. but i don't want to be questioned. i don't want people to tell me that they are around and that i can talk to them. because they're are not around. or even if they are i can't bring myself to say anything. that's really one of the last few things i want to hear. i don't want people to ask me why, whats wrong blablabla.

oh God. i'm feeling really so damned oppressed. it's like when i try to breathe i can't get in enough of whatever i need. God. and i am so damned sad. i don't know. no, i know why. that's why i am so damned sad. but i don't know how to say it out. to anyone or even write it out here. God, my heart aches. and the tears don't help. it's the feeling when my tears come out for no damned reason. it's like being in a swimming pool. and going under water for as long as possible. after awhile i just feel i don't have to come up to breathe. i just want to stay there. cause after coming out for air, the air that's being sucked in is suddenly so much to bear. its the feeling when you can have tears coming out for no reason.

i want it to be the way it is like how i'm used to. i want to cry and then know that it is okay to cry. not like it's weird and have people question me bout my tears and asking if i'm okay or not and go on and on expressing concern of which i have to explain my actions. what if i don't know the reason to it myself? and i have to force myself to come up with one. what if i don't want to mention it cause it's my secret. i have secrets too. i just want them for myself. i don't like explaining myself to people. to anyone for that matter. i want to feel that it is normal. that if i cry, it is okay. just be around. like how they all were and i just didn't know that that was all i needed then. now i know. just be around. and just not say a word.

someone once said " if you want to be alone, i'll be there and be really quiet so you won't even notice me ".

i know i'm normal. and right now i feel like i am not breathing. i am so clear of why i am so sad. but i don't want to say anything. and i won't. so please don't ask anything. this is a blog i just feel like expressing my feelings now. not the reason for my feelings. and i don't want to be answerable to any of the reasons. just let me be. let me be hurt because i feel like being hurt. let me be sad because i need to know i feel something. let me just cry because i want to be normal.

i think i don't know how to say anything out. my feelings are traces of my thoughts which are waiting be cleared from the mess but i can't do it. i can't clear it. i don't want to clear it. i'm sucking in my comfort zone of feeling this mess and this pain. it makes me feel okay. but God. that's the irony of it.

i can't write anymore. i think. i think i'm starting to spill everything already. i think i can't go on typing. i don't want anyone to know. but oh God. teach me to be happy. how come happiness seems to have a totally different meaning altogether now, to the extent i don't think i actually recognise it anymore. don't pull me out from the whirlpool i've created for myself. knowingly. and unknowingly. yet.

i'm not ready to move out of the mess. i need more time. oh God. i need a hell lot more time. or maybe not. maybe i just don't want to cross the comfort zone i'm in. i feel the weight with each step i try to take out. i feel the weight of the difference in and out of the whirl. i need to stop. today i realised that i needed to stop. no one will agree with me; but everything's too fast. i can feel everything spinning and i'm falling. and this time there's no safety net at the bottom.

i can't move anymore. i really need to stop. please help me stop.

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're 'here' not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can u see what I see

- everything's just temporary;
11:46 PM